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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 6, 2014 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> kinko demayo drink up. >> take a shot here to get the thing sta >> tonight its home state of thomas jefferson, yes, santa claus there is a virginia, then i check in on the state of racism in america after double-checking that my car doors are locked. and my guest eo wilson is a biologist who says humans have a lot to learn from ants. but when i excrete an odor trail to find my way home i get arrested. sony has developed its 185 terrabyte cassette, timely your mixed tapes can include two phish songs. this is the colbert report.
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(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ready to go >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to you have with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i'm sorry, i apologize, folks. (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen, i apologize. i didn't mean to get past your chanting am i just thought i could sneak past the castlegates of your love
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but you stopped me, thank you am folks, if you are one of the millions of americans obsessed with knowing what day it is, then you know that today is cinco de mayo. which this year is landing on the 5th of may. (laughter) now unfortunately, one person is making a cinco demockery of american values. casa minority leader nancy pelosi, in honor of this year's cinco de mayo she released a statement saying quote there is no better way to acknowledge the important contributions to our country of america's latino community than by enacting comprehensive immigration reform. oh, that is ridiculous. we already do so much on cinco de mayo to acknowledge their contributions. we drink not un but dos equis. and many americans are eating taco os today, even though it is not tuesday. (laughter) and frankly, latinos should
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be deeply insulted that pelosi loves all of you together under a mexican holiday. that's what the puerto rican day parade is for. (laughter) but pelosi really stepped in it when she said the time is now for house republicans to emulate the bravery demonstrated in the battle of puebla. excuse me? the bravery of the battle of puebla? only american battles can be brave, madame. may i remind you the battle was between the mexicans and the french. who exactly are you rooting for in that fight, nancy? mexican commander ignacio zaragoza or french count charles long ronz, doesn't matter because the mately the french came back and crushed the mexicans like guacamole in the second battle installing archduke maximillian as emperor of
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mexico who evidently narrowly escaped a canon shot to sears. if nancy pelosi really wanted republicans to get behind immigration reform she should have invoked an american battle with mexico like the all a-- alamo. i'm pretty sure we won that one, otherwise why would we keep remembering it. (laughter) now hey, folks, i will be with you in just a moment. i just need to put the finishing touches on this "little mermaid" i have been working on here. oh, pretty hair. pretty hair. i couldn't find one, a good one at the store so i duct taped the top half of a barbie brand fashion doll to the tail of a herring. (laughter) should really keep that refrigerated. i'm hoping that norfolk, virginia, will add this to the 130 mermaid statues already on display in the city. and coincidentally norfolk can be found in the 77th
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install am of my 434 part series better know a district. tonight virginia's third, the fightin third! (cheers and applause) the third district abuts jamestown, america's first permanent english settlement where colonistses john smith was captured by the powhatan indians and had his life saved by poke hantas an chafed-- saved again centuries later by poke hadn't as on ice. an when patrick henry uttered give me liberty or give me death while thomas jefferson said i don't know about that. during the civil war richmond, virginia, was the capitol of the confederacy. today that title belongs to cliven bundy's ranch. the third also houses the norfolk naval station, america's largest naval base. fun fact, i just gave way the location of america's largest naval base.
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(laughter) the third borders the chesapeake bay, sometimes the bay's pollution causes oxygen seeking crabs to mass at the shoreline in what is called a crab jubilee which is a little like calling a syrian relief camp a refugee party zone. (laughter) and just who has the rich butter milk districts to represent this district, none other than 11 term congressman bobby scott. i sat down with him in his washington office. congressman thanks so much for talking with me today. >> good to see you, thank you. congressman robert scott-- do you have a last name? >> yes, scott. >> stephen: robert scott scott. >> no, robert cortez scott. >> stephen: oh, robert cortez scott. >> right. >> stephen: are you -- >> no, my grandfather was a phil pynno. >> stephen: oh, i'm sorry, aloha, tell me about the fightin third. >> is a great district it starts in capitol richmond, virginia, and goes down the
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hampton road. >> stephen: richmond has been ranked the third most that few-- tattooed city in the united states. congressman, do you have any tats. >> i don't-- . >> stephen: i mean obviously i can't sow but from the neck down, like a -- >> did you think about getting an american flag tattoo to show your love for america and your love for your constituents. >> no. >> stephen: no? what do you have against the american flag? >> i don't anything against the person flag? >> stephen: you won't put it on your body. i have a tattoo of ronald reagan wearing a cowboy hat riding-- coming up out of my butt crack. >> i will take your word for it. >> stephen: i notice a lot of your constituents have government jobs. so not a lot of real jobs. >> they are real jobs. >> stephen: the government cannot create jobs this is an accepted fact. >> some people will think that until they meet some government-- need government
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help. >> stephen: that government help, assistance, a handout. >> when you need your mail delivered you want government jobs, air-traffic controllers those are government jobs. >> stephen: i'm not big on air-traffic controllers. i let the free market determine who get its land. >> everybody else would like the to see aircraft being controlled so they are not bumping into each other. >> stephen: in 2014 are you willing to sit there and say big government, let's keep all the government jobs that is your -- >> big government, let's protect the airspace, big government let's protect the water so that when you drink water, it's safe. >> stephen: why not just buy bottled water. >> a lot of people do buy bottled water but you want the tap water to be safe. >> stephen: of course you want safe water but you have to take responsibility. are you turning the safety net into a hammock boy turning on the tap and depending on some government observation who doesn't even have a real job determine whether that watt certificate clean or not. and you-- he tasted it before i do. i don't want to taste somebody else's backwash. >> that is exactly what is going on in washington today. >> stephen: you heard of
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global warming. >> i have. >> stephen: do you believe it is happening. >> i do. >> stephen: you are worried about the sea level rising. >> norfolk is one of the second most at risk for sea level rise. >> stephen: the watt certificate coming to attack us and yet you want to protect the water. whose side are you on? >> i don't-- . >> stephen: you don't have a response. i have knocked you back on your heels that is okay. it happens all the time in these interviews. this is your 11th term in congress. you were first elected in 1993 so you are -- >> i was elected in '92. >> stephen: '92. >> you get elected in 1 year and start sebbing the next. they say if you have been a member of congress since 1993, i was elected in 1929. >> stephen: but it says '93 here. (laughter) >> stephen: i have been a member of congress since 1993. >> stephen: i accept your apology. (laughter) okay so much of your focus has been on justice in education reform. >> my policy perspective
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we're trying to reduce crime and a lot of the gut reactions actually increase crime. a lot of things sound good, sound like they are tough on crime. >> stephen: three strikes, you're out. >> that has nothing to do with the plan. >> stephen: it increases prison term. it increases prison term. >> exactly. >> stephen: therefore it leads to crime because the criminals are where, in jail? >> well,. >> stephen: check me. >> that's one of the problems with the policy. unless it rhymes or it sounds-- . >> stephen: people don't think you know your stuff. >> right. >> stephen: but what dow have against rhyming. >> that is the problem with rhymes is that it creates an illusion that are you doing something about crime when are you actually -- doing fog about crime or even increasing criminal rate. >> stephen: the fact is rhyming is working am we have more people in jail than any other country on earth. >> by far. >> stephen: u.s.a. number 1. (laughter) >> you want to apologize.
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>> i want people not to commit crimes in the first placement if you invest in prevention and early intervention you have less incidence of crime and will you save money in the process. >> stephen: you almost rhymed there. you said prevention and early intervention, this is all i can put at the democratic convention. this is something people can understand. put your rhymes into your crime talk, people don't think you are walking the walk. >> that is a nice rhyme. >> stephen: my weiming is sublime, i can rhyme on a dime, see i'm trying to help you. you have got to help me out. you have to drop a few lines yourself if we're going to make the world a better place. >> that is the problem with polls crime policy that is why we are pushing so hard for, evidence-based approach, you look at the studies, at the evidence. and you support things that actually work rather than things that-- . >> stephen: make you seem like a jerk. >> i don't-- i don't think so. >> stephen: thanks so much for talking with me. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: good to be here.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: let's put the third up on the big board. oh, it looks like union troops burned richmond to the ground again. troops burned richmond to the ground again. we'll be right back. yo, untamed larger than life, troops burned richmond to the ground again. we'lmove fast fruit flavor, watermelon, blue razz green apple. your taste buds dancing. it's the jolly rancher, we make it happen. untamed fruit flavor. jolly rancher.
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>> hey, welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
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ladies an gentlemen, i don't know if you watch television. they got some good stuff on there. you should check it out. this weekend the tube was loaded with people rehashing the racist comments of l.a. clippers owner and man who eats only one side of the black and white cookie donald sterling. now as i said last week, sterling's comments are reprehensible. no one condemns them more than i do. and yes, it is a contest. (laughter) but the man was fined $2.5 million and suspended for life. the story is over. let's move along. because i believe racism goes away naturally if you stop talking about it. (laughter) just like stds. so i was especially hurt this past sunday to see the tallest friend of this show kareem abdul-jabbar on this week with george stephanopoulos going after whitey. >> what about the underlying issue that the country is
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still struggling with lingering racism. >> well, this is a problem. i did a little bit of research. more whites believe in ghosts than believe in racism. (laughter) >> stephen: oh yeah, kareem? two words. earnie hudson. (applause) did this man-- did this good man, did he give his life for nothing? (laughter) earnie hudson's dead, right? no, i'm being told he is alive. are you happy, kareem? i can't believe earnie hudson is alive to hear these kind of attacks. oh, all white people believe in ghosts and don't believe in racism. (laughter) even if-- even if that is true, even if that is true let's look on the bright side here. ghosts give white people something to be afraid of.
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if i wake up in the middle of the night and hear things rattling around downstairs, i got two options, either it's a ghost or it's a black guy, okay. you pick, kareem, i'm going with ghost. but then again i'm not a racist like some people. i mean come on, kareem! we both know if you saw a freaking spec tral figure gliding towards you on a sidewalk you cross to the other side of the street. (laughter) or if the apparition of a victorian child moves into your neighbor's house and wouldn't stop pointing at a bleeding closet door, i think you would worry about your property value dropping. (laughter) but i'm going to let you get by on this one. i will let you slide. because you're a friend. an in this case, it's reasonable to mix up racism and ghosts. because donald sterling is both a racist and looks like slimer. slimer. we'll be right back.
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[prof. burke] at farmers,we make you smarter aboutbow! [bell rings] your insurance,because what you don't know can hurt you. what if you didn't know that collisions with wildlife on the road may not be covered? and that you could be liable for any accidents on your property? the more you know,the better you can plan for what's ahead. talk to farmers and get smarter about your insurance. ♪ we are farmers bum - pa - dum, bum - bum - bum - bum♪ [announcer] call 1-800-farmers and see how much you could save. >> welcome back, everybody, my guest edward o wilson is a biologist without said-- it's true that is why i never let anyone stand over me with a magazine mying glassment please welcome eo wilson. (cheers and applause) hey, how are you doing, dr. wilson. thanks so much for coming on. for the few out there who don't know you are one of the world's leading authorities on ants.
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and other elements of biodiversity but you are the ant man, right. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're the ant man. 60 years in the field, you created two scien particular disciplines. you received two pulitzer, have written 30 books and your latest is called the window on eternity, a biologist walk through-- to the national park. we will get to the book in just one second. why ants? why do we-- why do you-- why-- did the queen squirt some pheromones on you or something. why did you turn into a drone for ants? >> why not ants? they're the most abundant creatures on earth of insects. >> stephen: the most a bund ant creatures on earth. >> yeah. >> stephen: a lot of chinese people-- (laughter) >> there are. >> stephen: there are a lot of chinese people. >> ants taken all together weigh about as much as all the humans taken together. >> stephen: so it's a fair fight. >> it. (laughter) >> stephen: a fair fight. >> yeah, it is. >> stephen: what drew you to
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ants. were you a child when you were first drawn to them. >> yeah, i began i guess as a child. >> stephen: we all do. >> and i started getting interested in natural history when i was a kid. i went through the boy scouts. i looked around and i said what can i do. in the world, and it pite give me a career so i chose ants. what more i can say? (laughter) >> stephen: okay, all right. so now the book itself a window on eternity, what-- where is that national park. >> in mozambique close to the zimbabwe border. >> stephen: okay. and so you walked through it. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. well, thank you for doing that. so i don't have to. i'm not a huge nature fanment i don't go for a lot of walks. what can we learn from walking through a national park, not america's national park, we've got the best
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natural parks, don't we? >> we do. >> stephen: we do have the best national parks. >> we dop. and we ought to be very proud of that and take better care of them, in my opinion. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we should. >> but to get back, yes, to answer your question, you know, there is a huge amount of biodiversity, variety of species in a park like the one in africa that haven't been studied at all am you can be a real explorer. a young scientist can go to a park like that in africa and discover all sorts of new biological phenomenon and new species and so on. it's a voyage of discovery. >> stephen: now this park recovered after a war in mozambique. >> yeah. >> stephen: is it dangerous to walk through there, are there landmines, unspent shells. >> not that i have discovered, fortunately. (laughter) >> stephen: you make the argument that half of the world land should be set
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aside for natural preserves like this. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, but we need that land. >> we need it. >> stephen: what if there is oil there? >> i don't know. polar-- solar. >> stephen: solar? >> yeah, well, anyway, yeah. >> stephen: why would we do that? why would you set aside half the world's land. god gave us the earth to be our dominion, to exploit the way we needed to for his greater glory. you've got to give me that one. >> that is not the way i learned the bible. >> stephen: i think you need to reread it. try shouting the bible. >> we should, remember genesis, bring forth the countless creatures to swim in the sea and birds to cross the-- of heaven. he wants biodiversity. >> stephen: god wants
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biodiversity. >> yeah. >> stephen: but he killed off a few things. he has, in the-- p permian, 90% of all life died. >> that happens one in a hundred million years, roughly. >> stephen: maybe we are up for another one. >> maybe. we're not up for another one, we are the other one. >> stephen: wait a minute. >> yeah. >> stephen: we're doing the extinct-- extinction or we will be extinct. >> maybe both. anyway,-- . >> stephen: you just glide that right by. but as long as your precious ants survive, that's okay. >> you know, an experiment was made in brookhaven national laboratory in which organisms were exposed to intense radiation day after day. and all the creatures that were in this compound died away and finally the plants wilted down and guess what
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came crawling out of their nest and kept crawling around. ants. >> stephen: i for one welcome our new ant overlords. and i thank you eo wilson for being here. the book is a window on eternity. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) hershey's drops. perfectly bite-sized drops of rich and creamy chocolate happiness.
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody, good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [hip-hop music playing] ready for the bus driver, winger? know why they call me bus driver? you've been traveling? because i'm taking your butt to school. nice. heh, heh. cool, i'm up. no, game's to 15. since when? since you scored 11. sorry, abed, i have to finish kicking troy's butt. all that angry talk about butts. kick your butt, stomp your butt, punch your butt. do they say "punch your butt"? point is, hatred of each other's butts. men play sports so they can seek out and destroy their own sensitivity. oh, i never thought about it that way. mm-hm. think we'll learn that in our women's studies class?